.

Jack and Jill parties are getting more popular every year but there seems to be some confusion about what this means.

Actually, the term can mean a few different things (some are x-rated) but here we are going to focus on Jack and Jill parties as they relate to weddings!

.

Jack and Jill wedding events – basic guidelines

1. The bride and groom are both guests of honor (thus the name).

2. The event is not usually a surprise – the couple may even be involved in the planning.

Jack and Jill Shower

One type of Jack and Jill wedding event is the Jack and Jill shower (in fact there are also Jack and Jill baby showers, too). Contemporary couples think to themselves, ‘why should the bride have all the fun?’

This mixed shower is also great for couples who share the same group of friends or brides who have lots of male friends. The traditional dainty pastries and semi-formal clothing of a bridal shower is replaced by a barbeque, picnic, or house party with blender drinks, beer, and food that will appeal to everyone.

Gifts are ‘his and hers’ items or things that will appeal to both of them, or may be intended to tie in to the party’s theme. Sometimes cash gifts are requested but this isn’t very common and is not really appropriate (requesting gift cards is more acceptable) – see our etiquette tips below for more exceptions to this rule.

Jack and Jill Stag or Bachelor Party

Again, these parties work well if the couple shares the same group of friends. If not, make sure the bride’s friends and the groom’s friends will mix well together (this isn’t always the case).

The venue for this type of Jack and Jill may also be a house party or barbeque, but could also take place at a bar or even take place over a weekend excursion of some kind (camping, renting a houseboat, trip to Las Vegas…).

Jack and Jill Fundraiser

More recently, the Jack and Jill party has been used as an event to raise money for the couple’s wedding expenses. Today many couples pay for their own weddings rather than receiving a budget from the bride’s parents. The maid of honor and best man (or some other family/friend) organizes the event and all proceeds go towards the wedding (or honeymoon) budget. In some cases, the bride and groom organize the event themselves.

Examples: A casino night, a sports tournament (golf, foozball), or a poker tournament. Other options: guests pay a flat fee for drink tickets and a chance to win door prizes at a bar or organizers put a package together for an outing (refreshments, chartered bus, tickets to a concert or game) and build in a profit margin. Popular games for fundraisers are: casino-style games (with play money and prizes for the biggest winners), 50-50 draws, and coin tosses. Wine lotteries can also raise a lot of money (if friends and family are all wine drinkers).

Etiquette:

It is more appropriate to organize a fun event to pay for a wedding than to directly ask family and friends for money, unless the event is raising money for one specific aspect of the event. For example, asking guests not to bring gifts but placing a jar at the Jack and Jill party for donations to the couple’s honeymoon fund is okay. Asking guests to come to the party with extra bottles for the reception so that the couple can provide an open bar might also work. Asking for cash to pay for the wedding rings is not appropriate – these items should be paid for by the wedding couple or their families. Likewise, raising money for anything considered overly extravagant (an ice sculpture, release of doves, etc) would be in poor judgment – it’s important to remember that attending a wedding can already be quite expensive: guests often have to pay for travel expenses, lodging, appropriate attire, the wedding gift, etc.

theplatelady.com

Other definitions of Jack and Jill:

1. A nursery rhyme

2. A cash register.

3. Slang term for the drug Ecstasy.

4. A bathroom that connects two bedrooms.

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If women wear rings to show the world that they are engaged, why shouldn’t men?

This month we’ve looked at three different women’s perspectives on this topic and offered some inexpensive (but visually stunning) examples for keeping costs down (read:”Should Men Wear Engagement Rings? 3 Views” for more information). We also featured Jennifer Hudson, including her proposal to her fiance and a description of the engagement ring she gave him, in “Jennifer Hudson: Career Success, Wedding and Baby”.

While it may not be realistic to expect a man (at least a heterosexual one) to wear a big diamond engagement ring on his finger to keep women away (although I’m sure that would work!). Here are some alternatives:

Wedding Band on the Wrong Hand

Some European countries have a tradition where women wear their wedding band on their left hand to show they are engaged, and then move the ring over to their right hand once they are married. I propose that men could follow this tradition – but would single women see the ring and back off, even if it’s on the wrong hand? Perhaps not at first but once lots of men start a trend, everyone would know about it.

danforthdiamond.com

Compromise

You might offer to wear your wedding band on your left hand as well during your engagement (in this case don’t expect an engagement ring too).

Temporary Ring

Another option would be to buy him an inexpensive temporary ring to wear on his wedding finger. This would have to be a ring that is obviously not a wedding band, but is still symbolizing that he is taken. Here are some ideas.

Practical Ring

If he’s a beer drinker, you won’t get an argument from him when you present him with this ring. It’s a beer opener!

thinkgeek.com

Lord of the Ring

Your fantasy man will willingly put this ring on – the challenge may be to get him to take it off when it’s time to put the real wedding band on!

realmcollections.com

Forget Me Not

Here’s the least expensive option – and I think it’s kind of cute! Tie a string around his finger so that he ‘doesn’t forget’ that he’s taken.

But How Do You Get Him To Wear It?

Make it a condition of the acceptance of his wedding proposal and have the ring (if applicable) ready. Don’t put your engagement ring on until he’s ready to do the same!

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It is traditional to formally announce your engagement to your friends and family.

Often, an engagement party is used as the stage to show off your engagement ring, make some toasts, and even announce the names of your wedding party. An announcement may also be sent out in the mail. Some couples also appear in the newspaper.

Here are some unique ways to announce that you are engaged!

Design Yourself Onto A Custom Card!

I’ve discovered a really cool site called designhergals.com. You’ll want to register so that you can create yourself in cartoon – it’s so fun! Here’s me below… pregnant mom hauling my daughter around in a stroller and juggling with my other interests (such as playing bass in my band Mink Valley).

You can create your guy, too, and then order some funky engagement announcements or save the date magnets (or, if you’re budget-conscious – send out an announcement that doubles as a save the date!).

There aren’t as many choices for the guys so you might find it challenging to come up with something that resembles your husband. I would have liked some options for facial hair and some skater style shoes and perhaps a laptop as an accessory…

Overall, I think this service is a great idea – it’s unique and fun. Once you’re set up you can create other people too – perhaps you are throwing a baby shower or a stagette for a friend? Surprise her with customized invitations!

Announce it on the World Wide Wed

Sites like mypunchbowl.com allow you to share your news with family and friends for free. You can pick the style, add photos, and even include a video of you and your man making the announcement! Here’s a quick example I made up – very easy to use and fast, too! Free announcements if you register. You can also use mypunchbowl to find the best date for your event, manage RSVPs, include a gift registry, and share photos and videos afterwards – all for free! It also looks like it hooks up with Facebook so I think I will be using this in the future because it’s good for all sorts of events, including: showers, birthday parties, and potlucks!

Funny Announcements

Another way to let the world know about your engagement is to have a name combination that is so ridiculous it catches the eye of a late night talk show host…

Tips for Wording

Here is a helpful video that will help you create your announcement:

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Tips for the Mother of the Bride (MOB)

These tips are applicable to mothers, aunts, and grandmothers of the bride or the groom; or really any guest at the wedding!

Your goal for the big day is to look beautiful while not stealing any attention away from the bride.

Use the following words to guide you:

• Classy
• Elegant
• Formal
• Reserved

None of the following words should apply to you on the wedding day:

• Sexy
• Cleavage
• Loud
• Scene-stealing

Bad Example – Jane Fonda in Monster in Law

Note how she is wearing something that looks a bit too much like a wedding dress! It is rarely acceptable for the MOB to wear white: never pick a dress this color unless the bride specifically requests it.

Good Example – Diane Keaton in Father of the Bride

Jewelry

Jewelry should also fit the above descriptions (classy, elegant, formal). An anklet or toe ring is rarely appropriate (except perhaps a beach wedding?). Diamonds aren’t just for brides, either…

Dress

It is wise to discuss your dress with the mother of the groom as well, to make sure you are both on the same page and you both feel comfortable on the big day. Talk to your daughter about colors: does she want you to wear one of the wedding colors or any color specifically? Some of my favorite MOB colors are sage and creme. Pale colors work well for most weddings. Perhaps a paler shade of the bridesmaid’s dresses or a complimentary color – don’t forget  you will be in many photos.

This beautiful gown is from Christina Gowns:

Many bridal designers also offer Mother of the Bride fashions, but don’t feel limited to these retailers. Often cocktail dresses are appropriate if you follow the guidelines above. You may find a nice dress and then select a jacket to cover your arms. Many dresses come with a matching jacket – bolero jackets, shrugs and shawls are also available online and in stores as separates. If you enjoy going on cruises, you may even be able to wear your dress again!

Here are some options for Jasmine Bridal:

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When you hear the term ‘wedding gifts’ you probably think of presents for the bride and groom but there are so many other gifts associated with weddings. Keep these gifts in mind when you are budgeting for your wedding… 

Gifts for the Wedding Party

Bridesmaids

Necklaces or Bracelets

This is a particularly great idea if you want them to match on your wedding day.

Flowergirl and Ringbearer

A really cool toy might just make up for the itchy outfits and waiting around that are unavoidable on the wedding day. 

Or you could buy that special little girl her first real piece of jewelry as a memento she will treasure forever!

Retro Style Earrings

Ushers

If your ushers are young and you want to keep them entertained a handheld video game might stop them from wandering off or sneaking drinks from the bar once their duties are over.

Groomsmen

For guys who like gadgets – an engravable USB Flash Key Chain that holds 512MB. 

Gift exchange between the Bride and Groom

Traditionally the Groom gives the Bride a gift on their wedding day. I didn’t get one, did you? I think this is more rare now that many couples contribute to their weddings financially. For example, we already had a house mortgage before our wedding that we had to make payments on, plus we were also saving for our honeymoon. Of course, a gift doesn’t have to cost lots of money – it’s still nice to get something from you man on the day of your wedding as a who of good faith that he’s actually going to be there when you walk down the aisle!

Ask Your Mom

Perhaps there is a piece of family jewelry you can pass on to your Bride. Earrings or a pendant (buy a necklace to go with it!). 

Some nice ideas for inexpensive but romantic gifts:

If you and your Bride spend a lot of time bantering back and forth by email, or if you’ve sent some really squishy mushy emails in the past you can make them in to a book. 

I did this for Valentine’s Day once – I just printed out the emails and then I made a front and back out of red construction paper. Hole punch everything and use some nice ribbon to bind it together to make a booklet. 

Or, there are companies that will do it for you: you can have a book made, with your messages and photos.

Give Her a Special Photo

If you have a photo of the two of you, get it framed or printed on canvas and present it to her: a meaningful keepsake from your dating days.

Below is an example of photos mounted on block (you order them like this from companies such as Bags of Love). You can also have your photo printed on canvas and stretched just like art hanging in a gallery (same company)!

Photo Mounted on Block with Stand

Hostess Gifts for Engagement Party, Bridal Shower, etc.

Etiquette dictates that the engaged couple give a hostess gift to the hosts of parties thrown for them. Plus it’s just a nice way to say thanks for the trouble! If the host or hostess is also a member of the wedding party this isn’t obligatory (but still appreciated, I’m sure).

Take the Time to Match the Gift to the Host 

A gift is more meaningful if the recipient can tell that you put some effort into it. No, you don’t have to knit them a tablecloth by hand (unless you want to) but try to give your host something that matches their interests. Or, if you know they are busy too – you could give them something that will help them out. For example, you could offer to host her husband or daughter’s next birthday party (which hopefully is taking place several months after the wedding!). 

Too Exhausted from Wedding Planning to be Imaginative? Arrive with one of these gifts: 

A thank you card and a gift certificate for a restaurant is always nice (take the time to write something personal in to the card to compensate for the impersonal gift certificate).

Flowers are nice, too. (Even nicer if a nice vase is accompanying them!)

A new CD is always exciting.

Note: if it’s a potluck and you bring a snack this does not count as your hostess gift! 

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As promised, I am sharing from the positive side of my old copy of “You an Your Wedding” (written by Winifred Gray, first published 1959 – see my earlier post).

The Bridesmaids’ Party

According to this book, the “bridesmaids’ party is usually a luncheon” – it can be hosted by the bride, her mother, the groom’s mother, or a female relative. It takes place a few days before the ceremony and the bride gives out her gifts to her bridesmaids at this time. This sounds nice but I don’t know if it’s that practical because it seems like there are already so many events leading up to a wedding – perhaps this one is too much? If you have the time, it does sound like it would be fun and might be a great alternative if you are feeling pressured to invite your mom to your bachelorette. You can have a tame bridesmaids’ party instead and then a more private bachelorette party (secret, if necessary!).

What I found really interesting however is that there is a ‘”very old but still enjoyable tradition” of serving a cake filled with surprises [You and Your Wedding, page 117].

Now, this is not to be confused with the Stagette or Bachelorette Party, where a muscular male stripper might jump out of a cake. No, no – this is a cake that has been stuffed with the following items:

A dime (for riches)

A ring (for first to be married)

A thimble (the old maid) 

Wishbone (luckiest)

Boat (for travel)

Boy doll (romance)

Girl doll (a rival)

Miniature cow or horse (live in the country)

Of course, if you wanted to combine this tradition with your Bachelor Party you could make the items on the list more interesting (or just change their meanings).

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I think I’m a pretty confident person; perhaps I’m not the most social creature in the room, but I get by. After I got engaged, however, I found myself in a whole new world of rules and manners. I have to admit, I felt a bit lost. Perhaps even trashy. It sucked.

Luckily my mom showed up almost immediately with a dog-eared copy of “You and Your Wedding”, the self-touted “most complete and authoritative book on wedding etiquette ever published.”  My sister had used it when she got married 17 years earlier and my mom had been holding on to it for me through several household moves, spring cleans, and garage sales; I guessed just as tenaciously as she was holding on to the idea that I would one day get married.

This wonderful book was filled with all sorts of helpful information under intriguing headings that sounded like melodramatic movie titles. ‘The Young Divorcee’, ‘Secret Marriages’, ‘Adopted Daughter’, and ‘The Broken Engagement.’

While probably not what my mom intended, this book’s first effect on me was to make me more confident because it’s advice was so snobby and ridiculous!  

That is until I got to the sections about the ‘Mature Bride’. At 34 years old I had never thought of myself in that way before because, well, it was 2006. Besides, I had never been one of those girls who dreamed about her ‘big day’ – I was too busy living my life and marriage was not really one of the major goals I was working towards – I kind of felt like it was more like an act of fate: if I met the right guy, then sure…

Yet, this book blind-sided me. The book was originally copyrighted 1959 so I was pretty sure that my 34 years of singledom qualified me for this category! Suddenly I was a spinster who was not even allowed to walk down the aisle – I had to creep out of a side door at the front of the church to get married. Also, engraved invitations were unnecessary when an old maid finally got hitched. Nice. 

Actual Quotes From the Book:

On the More Casual Southern and Western States:

A wedding that is considered very formal in the South and West takes on a semi-formal appearance in the East… This trend has not come about because society as a whole in these locations is unaware of the correct male attire for a formal wedding, but because living has assumed a more casual trend in these areas. [page vii, Author's Note (Preface)]

What, you mean a straw hat and a banjo are not appropriate attire? The author is implying that they know better but still dress casually anyways… I’m guessing she’s from the East…

The Young Divorcee

The bride need not be given away. Invitations are issued by handwritten notes or verbally. Her headdress is usually a small hat with a short veil, and her flowers are a corsage instead of a bridal bouquet. [page 25]

Yikes, being young and divorced is almost as shameful as being old and unmarried. 

The Mature Bride’s First Marriage

Simplicity and sophistication are the keynotes of the older bride’s wedding… She may walk down the aisle but more often than not she waits in the vestry with the groom, best man, and the matron (or maid) of honor until the ceremony is ready to start… most mature brides prefer to be married in a more informal style, wearing a dressy suit or gown with a small hat and corsage. [page 27]

Yes, of course, that makes perfect sense, after waiting much longer than all of her girl friends for her big day the ‘mature bride’ of 1959 would not want to make an entrance, have a big party, or wear a fancy dress. She’d much rather go sifting through the ‘mother of the bride’ outfits at the bridal store. And, hey it’s probably her very first corsage so she’s probably over the moon! 

When the Groom’s Family Gives the Wedding

Circumstances would have to be very unusual for the groom’s family to give the wedding… and they would have to be understood by intimate friends before the regular conventions may be disregarded. A bride must not suggest that her wedding be given by the groom’s family… but if they make the suggestion she may accept if any of the following conditions exist: 1… The two families of the bride and groom are distantly related. [page 40]

Okay so people living in the South and West get a hard time because they dress informally but apparently it is okay to marry one of your relatives? Or is it one of those double standards where it’s only okay to marry your 2nd cousin if you are royalty, or say, from the East? 

Invitation for Adopted Daughter

An invitation for an adopted daughter reads the same as any other invitation with no mention of the adoption. [page 55]

Are you sure? I mean thank goodness she spelled that out because I’m sure many adoptive parents were confused about how to make sure their child felt singled out and alienated from the rest of the family. Shouldn’t the invitation read:

Miss Evelyn Judith Hall

requests the honor of your presence 

at the marriage of her adopted daughter

who her loose and wild little sister left on her doorstep 18 years ago

Oh, wait that’s only okay under special circumstances! It’s okay to include ‘adopted’ on the invitation: 

If the bride is the adopted daughter of a woman who has never been married [page 55]

(Bride-to-be looks at invitations as they are getting mailed out.)

Bride: Mom, our invitations say I’m adopted! 

Mom: Yes, I wasn’t sure how to tell you the news but I didn’t want anyone to think I had sex and got pregnant since I’ve never been married, and besides that’s what “You and Your Wedding” told me to do… so suck it up. You may be adopted but at least you’re not going to be an old maid! 

To be fair there are some great old traditions in this book and some nice ideas that I will share in a future post now that I got my rant out. 

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