My Big Fat Engagement – Engagement Advice & Warnings

I think I’m a pretty confident person; perhaps I’m not the most social creature in the room, but I get by. After I got engaged, however, I found myself in a whole new world of rules and manners. I have to admit, I felt a bit lost. Perhaps even trashy. It sucked.

Luckily my mom showed up almost immediately with a dog-eared copy of “You and Your Wedding”, the self-touted “most complete and authoritative book on wedding etiquette ever published.”  My sister had used it when she got married 17 years earlier and my mom had been holding on to it for me through several household moves, spring cleans, and garage sales; I guessed just as tenaciously as she was holding on to the idea that I would one day get married.

This wonderful book was filled with all sorts of helpful information under intriguing headings that sounded like melodramatic movie titles. ‘The Young Divorcee’, ‘Secret Marriages’, ‘Adopted Daughter’, and ‘The Broken Engagement.’

While probably not what my mom intended, this book’s first effect on me was to make me more confident because it’s advice was so snobby and ridiculous!  

That is until I got to the sections about the ‘Mature Bride’. At 34 years old I had never thought of myself in that way before because, well, it was 2006. Besides, I had never been one of those girls who dreamed about her ‘big day’ – I was too busy living my life and marriage was not really one of the major goals I was working towards – I kind of felt like it was more like an act of fate: if I met the right guy, then sure…

Yet, this book blind-sided me. The book was originally copyrighted 1959 so I was pretty sure that my 34 years of singledom qualified me for this category! Suddenly I was a spinster who was not even allowed to walk down the aisle – I had to creep out of a side door at the front of the church to get married. Also, engraved invitations were unnecessary when an old maid finally got hitched. Nice. 

Actual Quotes From the Book:

On the More Casual Southern and Western States:

A wedding that is considered very formal in the South and West takes on a semi-formal appearance in the East… This trend has not come about because society as a whole in these locations is unaware of the correct male attire for a formal wedding, but because living has assumed a more casual trend in these areas. [page vii, Author's Note (Preface)]

What, you mean a straw hat and a banjo are not appropriate attire? The author is implying that they know better but still dress casually anyways… I’m guessing she’s from the East…

The Young Divorcee

The bride need not be given away. Invitations are issued by handwritten notes or verbally. Her headdress is usually a small hat with a short veil, and her flowers are a corsage instead of a bridal bouquet. [page 25]

Yikes, being young and divorced is almost as shameful as being old and unmarried. 

The Mature Bride’s First Marriage

Simplicity and sophistication are the keynotes of the older bride’s wedding… She may walk down the aisle but more often than not she waits in the vestry with the groom, best man, and the matron (or maid) of honor until the ceremony is ready to start… most mature brides prefer to be married in a more informal style, wearing a dressy suit or gown with a small hat and corsage. [page 27]

Yes, of course, that makes perfect sense, after waiting much longer than all of her girl friends for her big day the ‘mature bride’ of 1959 would not want to make an entrance, have a big party, or wear a fancy dress. She’d much rather go sifting through the ‘mother of the bride’ outfits at the bridal store. And, hey it’s probably her very first corsage so she’s probably over the moon! 

When the Groom’s Family Gives the Wedding

Circumstances would have to be very unusual for the groom’s family to give the wedding… and they would have to be understood by intimate friends before the regular conventions may be disregarded. A bride must not suggest that her wedding be given by the groom’s family… but if they make the suggestion she may accept if any of the following conditions exist: 1… The two families of the bride and groom are distantly related. [page 40]

Okay so people living in the South and West get a hard time because they dress informally but apparently it is okay to marry one of your relatives? Or is it one of those double standards where it’s only okay to marry your 2nd cousin if you are royalty, or say, from the East? 

Invitation for Adopted Daughter

An invitation for an adopted daughter reads the same as any other invitation with no mention of the adoption. [page 55]

Are you sure? I mean thank goodness she spelled that out because I’m sure many adoptive parents were confused about how to make sure their child felt singled out and alienated from the rest of the family. Shouldn’t the invitation read:

Miss Evelyn Judith Hall

requests the honor of your presence 

at the marriage of her adopted daughter

who her loose and wild little sister left on her doorstep 18 years ago

Oh, wait that’s only okay under special circumstances! It’s okay to include ‘adopted’ on the invitation: 

If the bride is the adopted daughter of a woman who has never been married [page 55]

(Bride-to-be looks at invitations as they are getting mailed out.)

Bride: Mom, our invitations say I’m adopted! 

Mom: Yes, I wasn’t sure how to tell you the news but I didn’t want anyone to think I had sex and got pregnant since I’ve never been married, and besides that’s what “You and Your Wedding” told me to do… so suck it up. You may be adopted but at least you’re not going to be an old maid! 

To be fair there are some great old traditions in this book and some nice ideas that I will share in a future post now that I got my rant out. 

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